It's Not About The Nail

> when talking to them I often feel all they're doing is telling me how right I am to feel in such and such way, frequently highlighting the differences between "us" and "them", whoever "them" might be, whenever the opportunity arise. (I suppose you'd call that 'gossip'). It's called "emotional validation", and widely acknowledged as something that women are notoriously keen on and men are notoriously bad at providing. [LINK] Or, in a satirical manner: [VIDEO]

Well said. [VIDEO] [1:41 "It's not about the nail"] The video is about women, because as men we like to take pride in the idea that we're "fixers", but if we're honest about it we'll have to admit that when it comes to the important things in life we're just as full of crap. No amount of talking, hand-holding, support groups and nods of understanding will amount to any kind of personal progress, until you are willing to answer the question "What do you really want?" You want to be productive? Have a successful startup? Million dollars? Improve the lives of others? Sure. But why? What's behind it? We like to look for an objective meaning in things, but what is meaning other than the belief in a cosmic points system that will bestow rewards upon us if we play our roles right? Whether you are a startup founder, career person, scientist, devout christian, philanthropist, volunteer or whatever makes no essential difference here - pretty much everyone chases some ill-defined ideal in the hope that somehow some ill-defined someone or something will save us and make everything alright when we reach some ill-defined goal. And when you do succeed, what do you really have to show for it? Years of sacrifice gone that you'll never get back, even more expectations than before, because now you're supposed to act like a successful person, even more anxiety that you'll disappoint the people who idolize you, eager to believe in the fairy-tale that you've made it and everything's happily-ever-a

I don't know who "we" might be. Do you work for ycombinator? Are you an official moderator? Otherwise not sure why you would say "we". Just wondering. That said, if we are talking about antagonism and HN, well, when it comes to topics outside of tech it is almost a sport to down-vote or berate anyone who does not align with a certain ideology. In the over six years or so I've been reading HN I have yet to see any "we" coming down to say "We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't post like this here" in any of those cases in defense of being accepting of alternative points of view. I go back to USENET days. HN is definitely better than any of that, by far, however, there's an underlying accepted ideology that is promoted here and everything else is rejected and attacked in various overt and and not-so-overt ways. That aspect is not very different from the kinds of things that could happen on USENET. Granted, public discussion boards are horrendously difficult to run. I get that part. Discussions on HN are thoughtful when it comes to matters of technology. Outside of that HN is very intolerant of alternative points of view. People can find themselves defending from personal attacks instead of engaging in discussing the issues. Something like this: [VIDEO] HN is the person with the nail on her head. She is happy for the split second the guy comes in to alignment with her point of view. Outside of that, when an alternative point of view is offered, not happy at all. Before anyone says a

> When you're dealing with people, though, that kind of response can be actively counterproductive. Anyone who's had a significant other "vent" and respond negatively when you try to turn to problem solving will probably recognize this dynamic. I can't help but link to "It's not about the Nail": [VIDEO]

If my wife or I fail to communicate that we want emotional, rather than informational, support we just say “It’s not about the nail” and the other instantly understands. The short video this idea is from: [VIDEO]

I'd rather just not talk to someone like that so if they don't want to be friends anymore over being suggested a mechanic when having car issues or something then good. There's a youtube video about those kind of crazies: [VIDEO]

The other side of this is expressed in the classic comedy video, "It's Not About the Nail" (1:41). [VIDEO]

It's counterintuitive to logical-thinking programmers, but you almost never want to tell a grieving person any of the following: 1. "Things will get better." 2. "I understand your loss." 3. "Here's how we can fix the problem." Some insight into why can be gained by watching the short video, It's Not About the Nail : [VIDEO] In many (but not all) cases, if the grieving are willing to communicate at all, they want their cries of pain heard and listened to. They would rather that you cried with them instead of trying to tell them that there is light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a 'fix' for their 'problem' or that we must accept that life is hard and unfair and suck it up.

> You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Agreed! Asking helps me clarify to myself the possible goals (and make it explicit that "just" listening is a valid goal). Even if you don't ask thinking about the question is a nice way to remind yourself that you don't need to solve it for them. My experience has been that women appreciate this question - I think that most men tend to jump into problem-solving mode and actually being asked is a nice change (here in the U.S.) And of course there's this 2 minute video to memorably highlight the idea :) [VIDEO]

> This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": [VIDEO]

Or, it’s that the dog does tell all his doggie friends about his predicament, but any time they’re about to give him actionable advice for solving the core problem, he cuts them off, more interested in emotional catharsis. “It’s not about the nail.” [VIDEO]

My wife and I use the phrase “it’s not about the nail”[0] as an in-joke/shorthand for communicating this. [0] [VIDEO]

"It's not about the nail" [VIDEO] People don't want their problems solving, they want to whine. It helps to start a conversation like this with "do you want me to listen or to offer help"

Someone should tell SNL that they can't be funny because it's scripted. Comedians all across the globe should be out of a job because scripted comedy isn't funny apparently. This video has no value because it's clearly scripted. No way she actually has a nail sticking out of her head. When will these creators stop trying to fool us!? [VIDEO]

You may enjoy, It's not about the nail. [VIDEO] What I was doing is very common. Trying to engage logically with what logic can engage with, while failing to recognize that the emotional challenge is what has to be dealt with first. And that once feelings are out of the way, the logical problem will be massively easier to solve.

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. There is a great YT video on this topic [VIDEO] It's not about the nail!

[VIDEO] This was the single most impactful thing I've ever been told to watch when it comes to 'solving' vs 'listening'.